Victor Hugo: "God was bored by him."
Winston Churchill: "Americans will always try to do the right thing-- after they've tried everything else."
William Shakespeare: "The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes."
Mae West: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mahatma Gandhi: "What do you think of Western Civilization?" "I think it would be a good idea."
Mark Twain on Jane Austen: "Every time I read Pride And Prejudice, I want to dig Jane Austen up and hit her over the skull with her own shin bone."
Elizabeth Taylor: "Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses."
Groucho Marx: "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
Billy Wilder: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Pope John Paul XXIII: (When asked "How many people work in the Vatican?") "About half."
Oscar Wilde: "Thinking is the most unhealthy disease in the world, and people die of it just as they die of any disease. Luckily, in England at any rate, thought is not catching."
Muhammad Ali: "If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, then they can sure make something out of you."
Milton Berle: "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."
Mark Twain: "The trouble ain't there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right."
Margaret Thatcher: "If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman."
Oscar Wilde: "Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go."
Dorothy Parker: "The woman speaks eight languages and can't say 'no' in any of them."
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.: "If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off."
Marilyn Monroe: "I've often stood at a party for hours watching my movie idols turn into dull and little people."
"My opponent is a glob of snot."
John Adams: "In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress."
Hunter S. Thompson: "They don't hardly make 'em like him anymore, but I think he should be castrated anyway."
Groucho Marx: "He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you-- he really is an idiot."
EE Cummings: "A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man"
Charlotte Whitton: "Whatever women must do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
Catherine The Great: "If you won't be a good example, then you'll have to be a horrible warning."
(On a performance) What do you think of the singer's execution?
Calvin Coolidge: I'm all for it.
Aristotle: "It is Homer who has chiefly taught other poets the art of lying skillfully."
Einstein: "Only two things are infinite-- the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the former."