Mark Twain: "The trouble ain't there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right."
Mae West: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Groucho Marx: "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
Oscar Wilde: "Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go."
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.: "If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off."
Elizabeth Taylor: "Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite-- the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the former."
Beethoven: "I like your opera. I think I will set it to music."
Roseanne Barr: "We were trying to get pregnant, but I forgot one of us had to have a penis."
Kierkegaard: "My opponent is a glob of snot."
Nick Faldo: "We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, the marriage lasted four and a half years."
Pope John Paul XXIII: (When asked "How many people work in the Vatican?") "About half."
Dorothy Parker, after a drunk man commented "I can't bear fools": "Apparently your mother could."
Victor Hugo: "God was bored by him."
Catherine The Great: "If you won't be a good example, then you'll have to be a horrible warning."
Hunter S. Thompson: "They don't hardly make 'em like him anymore, but I think he should be castrated anyway."
Frankie Boyle: "Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!"
King Edward VIII: "The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children."
Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin met with world leaders to discuss her foreign policy expertise. The meeting lasted 90 seconds."
Winston Churchill: "Americans will always try to do the right thing-- after they've tried everything else."
Mahatma Gandhi: "What do you think of Western Civilization?" "I think it would be a good idea."
Milton Berle: "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."
Nero, while look at a man he had just killed: "How could I have been afraid of a man with such a long nose?"
Billy Wilder: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Ernest Hemingway: "Poor Faulkner. He thinks big emotions come from big words."
Christopher Hitchens: "If you gave Jerry Falwell an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox."
Timothy Leary: "Women who want to be equal with men lack ambition."
Gerald Ford: "Ronnie (Reagan doesn't dye his hair--he's just permanently orange."
Joan Rivers: "Prince Charles's ears are so big, he could hang-glide over the Falklands!"
Mark Twain on Jane Austen: "Every time I read Pride And Prejudice, I want to dig Jane Austen up and hit her over the skull with her own shin bone."
Oscar Wilde: "Thinking is the most unhealthy disease in the world, and people die of it just as they die of any disease. Luckily, in England at any rate, thought is not catching."
John Lennon: "Before Elvis, there was nothing."
William Shakespeare: "The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes."
Whitney Houston, on the media: "They're devils to me, and they eat my flesh!"
H.L. Mencken on FDR: "If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he needs so sorely, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House yard come Wednesday."
Margaret Thatcher: "If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman."
Muhammad Ali: "If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, then they can sure make something out of you."
Lily Tomlin: "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific!"
Dorothy Parker: "The woman speaks eight languages and can't say 'no' in any of them."
Aristotle: "It is Homer who has chiefly taught other poets the art of lying skillfully."
John Adams: "In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress."
Groucho Marx: "He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you-- he really is an idiot."
EE Cummings: "A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man"
Charlotte Whitton: "Whatever women must do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
(On a performance) What do you think of the singer's execution?
Calvin Coolidge: I'm all for it.